The Complete Idiot's Guide to Koh Chang, Thailand.

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 . . .didn't they hire a copywriter who understood English?? 

My plan was quite simple, to call in on a few of the top end hotels, get a brochure and then take the piss out of it's contents as I assumed that the majority of 4*s wouldn't have their act together enough to come up with something that made sense in English.

In the event I began to become a bit disillusioned, the English language brochures were either poetic to the extreme or only slightly confusing as the following examples show:

Klong Prao Resort "The spirit of discovery exise here, so much that early visitors to Klong Prao Resort mentioned that it is the place where one feels closest to Nature, away from the madding crowd, traffic and all human activities."

Penny's bungalows. "Northerners welcome"  Obviously looking to tap into the niche market comprising of visitors from the Dales & Lancashire.  The brochure goes on to add "By 'eck, tha knows it's a reet grand view from t' patio our lad, 'appen." 

Barali Hotel has a glossy, top quality brochure with individually captioned photos in flowery English, e.g. "You can become one with nature in your private garden bath."  The highlight of Barali's brochure, and their print ads that appear in local travel magazines, is the worst example of the use of Photoshop you are likely to see.  The beach in front of the hotel is pretty average so their graphic designer - or more likely their graphic designer's 5 year old child, has cut and paste a crystal blue water and snow white sand foreground onto the sea view of the hotel. Pity they didn't figure out how to delete the old metal builders huts on the construction site to the left of the hotel.

Koh Chang Lagoon Resort promises visitors that "Happiness of all sorts is within reach." - I'm not sure if this is a veiled reference to the nearby beer bars or something less sinister, to be honest I suspect the latter as the market for this hotel is more middle class Thai office worker than farang whoremonger. 

Sea View Resort is an upscale place and so is used to handling odd question from visitors.  In it's brochure it seemingly attempts to answer one of the most frequently asked questions "Where can I meet a Thai girl who hasn't undergone any plastic surgery?" by simply suggesting: "Get in touch with the last natural beauty of Thailand amid the indigo sea, white beaches and shady lines coconut trees dancing in the breeze."

Banpu Hotel: "Every house is created by crafted woodsmen. . ."  Well can you think of a fancy way to say 'carpenter'? or maybe they really do mean 'crafty woodsmen'.

And so I got to the end of White Sand beach and felt a bit let down.  There was still one resort I fancied checking out, but surely with 5* rooms starting at 8,000 baht/night, the  Aiyapura Resort & Spa wouldn't be my holy grail . . . or would it?

The Aiyapura was empty and the prim, well-educated, perfectly mannered receptionist offered to show me the different room types and stunning they were too - as you'd expect when the best villas cost around 26,000 Baht.  (Note that if you're budget is a bit tight they can be bargained down to about 21,000 Baht/night.)  After seeing the rooms and promising to tell 'my rich friend in Bangkok who wants to visit Koh Chang' about the place I picked up my brochure . . . it was just what I was looking for.  The perfect combination of the art of brochure design, style & layout whilst also totally lacking in comprehension.  Enjoy . . .